Well, it has been a positive and productive week. I meet with my counselor tomorrow, and I have to bring pictures of my newly finished yoga retreat (the spare bedroom turned zen den) and I am supposed to bring my inspiration board with me. I don’t see the reason behind having an inspiration board, but it’s part of the program, so I am doing it. So far there are a couple of positive quotes and some photos of my cats, my parents, my best friend in the whole wide world, and of course my boyfriend. I really don’t have a clue what it is supposed to look like or entail, but I put things on there that inspire me to be more positive and things that make me happy and a goal or two I would like to see reached in the near future. I hope I am doing it right.
I did a bad thing today. I went to a store, called ULTA, and purchased a foundation makeup for three times what I normally spend. I have never looked so good in my entire life. Oh my god it is an amazing store and I want to try everything in there! Benefit Oxygen Wow in Ivory is my shade. I also got some under eye camoflauge and a mascara called Perversion by Urban Decay…. For once, I don’t have raccoon eyes or mascara flaking into my eyes. I feel so girly! But I really shouldn’t have spent that kind of money on myself. But this stuff has ruined me. I cannot go back to drugstore makeup ever again. I also picked myself up a box of hair color. I don’t have anyone to help me apply it, but as soon as I can find someone, my roots are gone! Splurge a little on myself, feel guilty, look beautiful, feel guilty, it’s a vicious cycle.
I feel like people are avoiding me. My cousin’s wife who usually calls me twice a week isn’t answering my texts or calls. I have seen her once in the last two months. I don’t want to assume it is something I did or said, in fact it would be arrogant for me to assume it is because of me. I just hope whatever has come up is a good thing and she’s been busy for good reasons. My best friend has been avoiding my texts as well. I try not to call her often because she works a lot, and she’s a busy gal in the midst of a health crisis of her own. But I am frustrated by her self pity trip. She acts as if it hasn’t happened to any of us before, and I just want to shake her and tell her I invented the handbook on autoimmune disorder. But I won’t. I will be the supportive friend, there for her at her leisure, with a shoulder to cry on. I love her, and I need to remind myself that I should practice patience when dealing with everyone. I remember what a fresh diagnosis feels like. Hell, I got several fresh diagnosises myself and the only thing that has prevented me from a MS diagnosis too is I can’t afford the MRI on the brain. PATIENCE, EMILY. Breathe in, breathe out, let it go.
In other news, I am currently deliberating on letting an acquaintance go from my life. We have been friends for a long time, but we have never met in person. He has never crossed the line as a platonic friend. But the last couple of years our friendship has been strained. I have grown weary of his complaints and topics of conversation. I long for deep connections with people, and he keeps topics so light and superficial they just flow away. He asks how I am doing, and I say I am fine but…. and he always interjects my attempts at a deeper connection with the same superficial complaints. The only thing we have in common is tattoos, and even those we have differing tastes on. We used to have meaningful conversations, and I have the feeling he has only remained active with me out of his feelings of obligation. I don’t know how to do this properly, or do I continue the fake dance of shallowness we have been doing for a while? At what point to you decide if one is a toxic friend? And then I have to wonder, am I imagining things? Is this part of my mental illness?
I absolutely hate second guessing myself. I do not find it entertaining to have these kinds of thoughts and suspicions. The dialogue in my head has been positive lately, and being in straining friendships and awkward social encounters does make me wonder if there isn’t a common denominator to it all (me). I have done a plethora of research on schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, reading medical journals and sifting through publications. And I have to admit I am extremely judgmental of myself. To a crippling fault. I can be so kind and patient to other people, even if it is at a cost to my own comfort. Why can’t I show myself that kind of compassion? Strict standards is what I hold myself to, and anything short of perfection gets my inner dialogue set to being hypercritical of myself. I would prefer to be mindful of this and start a more loving and caring dialogue within myself.
Enough with this rambling on. I am typing myself into one big circle and even with all these words I am barely making sense. My plans this week are seeing my counselor tomorrow, diabetes class on Wednesday, chemotherapy on Thursday, and Friday, I am taking as a “me” day. Nap, at home manicure, hair color, chocolate, rum and cokes, facial, general spa day. Oh, and all the chores every day but Friday. Friday is my baby, Friday is MINE. As always, thank you for reading.