So I am leaving town for a week, and this is taking a huge leap of faith in my relationship with the boyfriend. If you haven’t been following, or this is your first visit, he participated in a major disappointment that almost ended our relationship. I don’t feel like revisiting the past and hashing out the details, but let’s just leave it at I am wary of my solo trip across the country and leaving him alone. It is taking everything within me not to let negative thoughts or feelings consume me.
I’m trying to put good faith forward, and believe in him when he says nothing like that will ever happen again. With the wounds still fresh, I pack my bags and am going to drive twelve hundred miles by myself, on a mission for myself. I need to spend some time with my best friend, who recently relocated to Seattle. I’m excited, as I do love the open road with all my heart. I have a gypsy soul and I long for the trip, and I will do well on my trip like I always have in the past. Only this time there is doubt that lingers in the back of my mind.
He was looking for outside validation, and I fear he will continue to look for outside validation in my absence. My worries are well founded, and I do plan on checking craigslist every night that I am gone, looking for his posts that I truly hope will not be there. I hate not trusting my heart to this man I once trusted with every ounce of my being. But in retrospect, I had put him on a pedestal and worshipped him like he could do no wrong. Since then, I realize he is human with all his fallacies, and to damn him for that would be hyper-hypocritical.
But my trip is overshadowing any doubts I may carry with me about this situation. I’m excited beyond words- I have never been to Seattle, and I get to spend almost a whole week with my best friend. She has been my best friend for twelve years; we met in college and have been besties since. I don’t like many people or have respect for even less, but I have massive amounts of respect and platonic love for this woman. I have watched her grow and blossom into a beautiful creature, both inside and out. She has had issues with me, and we have had a fair spat or two, but I love her even more for being able to be honest with me. Sometimes I feel as if she is the only one willing to be honest with me.
We’re doing the Fourth of July thing in a small mountain town called Snoqualmie, and then we’re heading to the beach for some fun on the sand. Or rocks. I don’t even know what the coastline of Washington looks like. But I am going to find out. I just hope my paranoia about what may or may not be going on at home doesn’t cast a shadow over my adventures.
I decided I am choosing to have faith in the boyfriend. I choose to believe him, and I choose to put whatever might happen in the hands of a higher power. He knows the consequences of what would happen, and he knows I would rather him be honest with me instead of going behind my back. I love this man; I have loved this man for half my life. I just want him to be happy, with me or with someone else. All I ask for is honesty and respect. I think he gets it.
Tonight, a young cousin of mine is coming to stay the night. I don’t know her very well, but she pleaded with me to be a part of her life, and she invited herself to stay the night. It should be interesting. She fancies herself a witch, and is really into the paranormal. Which I am also into the paranormal, but I don’t fancy myself a witch. I am strictly agnostic. I believe in a higher power, but I don’t personify it or worship it. I respect it. We are going to share a glass of wine and have deep theological conversations. I’d lie if I said I wasn’t curious as to how this will turn out. I get to be her taxi, she lives 45 miles away. I pick her up from work at 8:30. This is bound to be interesting.
I woke up at five this morning, bright eyed and bushy tailed. For no reason whatsoever. So I believe a nap is in order before any logical late night conversations, and especially before wine. Alcohol makes me soooo sleepy, and I need to have my wits about me to keep up with her fresh mind. She doesn’t really know many people from her grandfather’s side of the family, and she chose me to get to know. I hope she’s a realist and can accept me for who I am.
Well, the laundry is done, and needs to be folded, so I best get on that chore. But I do want to thank you for reading.